happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
