they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I need to stop coming to work sober
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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