textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
