dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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