please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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