last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
