if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
