Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
