I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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