if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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