she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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