dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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