I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
