I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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