totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
