please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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