So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
