well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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