Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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