every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
