you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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