Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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