you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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