forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
