You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
