i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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