remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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