Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
