Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
True strength comes from lack of pants
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
