Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
