i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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