I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
