i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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