Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
