it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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