I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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