just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
