Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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