I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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