i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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