Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
