so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
