Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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