If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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