then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
