You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
