Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Be still, my beating vagina.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
