his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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