remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
