Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
