Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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