I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
