I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
