...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
