Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
