I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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