It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
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I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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