I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So apparently I’m into choking now
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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