So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
